Regardless of your talent, golf will humble you. A great drive can become unplayable because of an inch or a gusty wind. This maddening frustration requires humor essential, just to find a giggle after three extra swings to get the ball in a hole. Without humor, you just can’t have fun playing golf.
For years, pros, amateurs, and commentators have crafted jokes about this beautiful and demoralizing game. We have compiled over 70 funny golf sayings to prepare you for your next round in a bunker. Find your new favorite from among these classic funny golf quotes and insightful phrases! When the game fails, the humor wins!
Classic Funny Golf Quotes
There are some things in golf that will never go out of style. These vintage funny golf sayings capture the universal frustrations of golf and you’ll find that much of the best quotes come from people who have shared in our misery.
1. “My best advice to an amateur golfer? Quit.” – Sam Snead
2. “The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” – Phyllis Diller
3. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” – Dean Martin
4. “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.” – Harry T. Dreshman
5. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” – Mark Twain
6. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle
7. “A golf ball is a small, white lie.”
8. “If you hit it right, it’s a slice. If you hit it left, it’s a hook. If you hit it straight, it’s a miracle.” — Anonymous
9. “You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” – Lee Trevino.
10. “Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.” – Bobby Nicholas.
11. “Golf is a game in which a ball is placed upon a spot of grass, and a human being attempts to hit it with an iron rod into a small hole. There is no other known sport where the equipment is more mismatched to the objective.” – Dave Barry
12. “Accidents in golf happen; They are called good shots.” – Marc Ostrofsky
Funny Golf Quotes by Famous Golfers and Celebrities
The struggle of fighting the wind and the rough provides a one-of-a-kind view of the game. It’s quite humorous that these golf legend quotes and entertaining celebrity sayings demonstrate that even the most skilled professionals can absolutely empathize with our struggles.
13. “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” – Lee Trevino
14. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald R. Ford
15. “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” – James Murray
16. “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer
17. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” – Hank Aaron
18. “The woods are full of long drivers.” – Harvey Penick
19. “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.” – Jimmy Demaret
20. “The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” – Ben Hogan
21. “I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” – Ben Hogan
22. “If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” – Sam Snead
23. “Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” – Harry Vardon
24. “Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” – Harvey Penick
25. “Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” – Gary Player
26. “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
27. “Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.” – Craig Stadler
Everyday Disasters Out on the Course
Every golfer has also been there: the ideal drive sullied, the putt missed and then the moment when you send your favorite golf ball flying into the water hazard! This collection of funny golf ball quotes and comments attempts to encapsulate the entire, glorious absurdity of a round that has gone wrong.
28. “The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” – Phyllis Diller
29. “Golf is a game where you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey
30. “It’s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” – Mark Twain
31. “If you are going to take up golf, don’t.” – Sam Snead
32. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” – Jack Lemmon.
33. “The older I get, the harder it is to find my balls.”
34. “The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” — George Deukmejian.
35. “The shorter the shot, The longer the excuse as to why you missed it” – John Biro
36. “I’m not mad I lost the ball; I’m just impressed I hit it that far into the woods.”
37. “A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.” — Mac O’Grady.
38. “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”
Funny and Short Golf Quotes That Hit the Mark
At times, only a few words are needed to describe the entire disaster of a golf shot. This collection of short golf quotes is set up for instant impact, making them ideal for muttering under your breath or as a caption.
39. Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain
40. Another good lie… gone.
41. “Nobody asked how you looked, just what you shot.” – Sam Snead
42. The only sure rule: fastest cart wins. – Mickey Mantle
43. The woods are full of drivers. – Harvey Penick
44. Swing, swear, repeat.
45. Par is just a rumor.
46. Hit long, putt wrong.
47. A perfect shot is a fluke. – Jack Nicklaus
48. Golf: fun pain.
49. “I play, the course laughs.”
Funny Golf Quotes from Movies and Pop Culture
Many of golf’s most repeatable and quoted lines aren’t from the professionals associated with the Tour, they are from movies. Here you’ll find a collection of some of the best and most famous golf movie quotes you can reference when nothing is going according to plan out on the course.
50. “Be the ball, Danny.” – Ty Webb, Caddyshack
51. “It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” – Judge Smails, Caddyshack
52. “You’re going to get it, Happy! You’re gonna get it!” – Shooter McGavin, Happy Gilmore
53. “I ate a bowl of nails for breakfast… without any milk.” – Happy Gilmore
54. “I just finished a hole, and my score was better than a dentist’s salary.” – Based on a witty line from Tin Cup
55. “A Cinderella story. Outta nowhere.” – Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
56. “Why don’t you just meet me at the ninth green at nine? Bring your putter.” – Judge Smails, Caddyshack
Funny Yet Inspirational Golf Quotes
Despite all the swearing and laughing, the idea of one great shot keeps us returning. These funny & inspiring golf quotes provide a fun reminder of patience, and to simply finish the round.
57. “The most important shot in golf is the next one.” – Ben Hogan
58. “You’ve got to be good enough to laugh at yourself, or you’re going to be miserable in this game.” – Gary Player
59. “Perseverance is often the difference between a double-bogey and a triple-bogey.” – Jim Murray
60. “Don’t walk through life just playing golf. Play golf through life.”
61. “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up… and find the ball.” – Based on Vince Lombardi
62. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” – Bruce Crampton
63. “They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” – Gardner Dickinson
Bonus: Funny Golf Sayings Shared by Everyday Golfers
Beyond the pros and movies, some of the best humor is made right there on the tee box between friends. These funny golf sayings are the classic lines that everyday players have adopted to explain away a bad shot or lighten the mood when the round goes south.
64. “I’d rather be a failure at golf than a success at anything else.” – Toby Clinch
65. “Golf is a game that is played in a five-inch course—the distance between your ears.” – Bobby Jones
66. “You can talk to a golf ball, but you can’t make it listen.” – Lee Trevino
67. “I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed for that.” – Sam Snead
68. “They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” — Raymond Floyd
69. “I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” — Muhammed Ali
70. “Caddie told me it was a 5 iron to clear the water on a par 3, I thought hard 7. He walked up to my ball and told it, ‘hold your breath little buddy you’re about to go for a swim!’” – J Michael
71. “I don’t drive that far on vacation!” – icecreamcolder
Conclusion
This collection of funny golf quotes proves one thing, golf is not just a game of skill and nothing more. The best players, and funniest individuals, have learned that the best and most beautiful game, while at times confusing, outright frustrating and humbling, requires the thickest skin and most humble sensibility. You will hit terrible shots, lose balls, and three putt, but if you can find something to laugh about in the disaster, then you have survived, and mostly won, the biggest battle on the golf course.
So the next time the frustration boils over, don’t throw a club, just use one of these lines, smile, and remember that your most recent terrible golf shot is just a perfect set-up for one of the best jokes you have ever heard.
